Welcome to the third 'official' installment of Teabag Tuesday. Today's gargling recipient has a big ol' Bullseye on it's face...literally. Welcome to the club, Target.
One of my biggest problems with action sports is what I would call the infiltration of corporate America into it. I don't have the same problem with Target joining the ranks (they've already pimped out the biggest name in Snowboarding with Shaun White) as I do with the likes of McDonald's, Taco Bell, or The US Marine Corps but this time, they've gone just a bit too far.
Now for the low price of $599, Target will bestow upon you your very own Stand Up Paddle board. It's bad enough that Target is pandering to the masses with this abomination of a board, but what's even worse and more reprehensible is how they market it. 'Stand-up paddle boarding is one of the newest ways to experience the water'. Really? Maybe I'm mistaken but I could have sworn that SUP (Stand up paddling) has been around as long if not longer than surfing itself. Hawaiin and Polynesian culture have been doing this for over a 100 years, possibly longer. Way to be so culturally sensitive you pricks. Apparently if what you do is unknown to the scotch drinking, overweight, corporate boys club or their weasely marketing yes men, you just don't count.
OK, so I digress. What really bothers me is their push for kooks of all ages and experience levels to go out and ruin every local surf break with inexperienced SUP riders. I'm sure you ask, "What's the big deal Steve? Longboards are big too!" And you're right. The difference is they usually have a leash. Of the few times, I've had the misfortune of being in the lineup with SUP's, I've had just as many incidents where those same boards became ramming objects after their inexperienced riders lost footing and vaulted their boards into the break creating the Ocean equivalent of a mid-evil battering ram. With Target's slick marketing and action sports bandwagoning I can only imagine the carnage that will ensue when Mom, Dad, and little Jimmy decide it's their calling when they make a coastal trip from their home town of Sandusky, Ohio.
What's even worse is their lack of responsibility towards the people who will read that it's good for 'All experience levels'. Surfing on any level is inheritly dangerous. The good thing about surfing though, is that until you've put a little time in the water, you'll never have to deal with an over the falls wipeout after you've already stood up. I know more than my fair share (knowing one is too many) of surfers who are now paralyzed because of wipeouts that broke their necks, and these guys had been surfing for years. With SUP's you drop in already upright. I'm no statistician, but I can only guess that with an SUP, your chances of a heinous wipeout has to increase by at least 100 fold. My question is, will Target take any responsibility for this? Now I'm not the bleeding heart that thinks we should protect the general populous from their own stupidity. I don't need my iron to tell me to take my clothes off first. The contents of my coffee cup damn well better be hot. I don't think however, that even a reasonable person would assume the inherent risk of being inexperienced and pulling in to even a 3 ft. wave already upright, much less the PVC rhinoplasty that will be unwillingly performed on whatever poor sap happens to be paddling out.
Target and all other 'One stop shopping stops' (yes this means you too Wal-Mart) should simply stick to what they know. Killing mom and pop businesses, exploiting healthcare leupolds, and selling shitty foreign produced clothes to kids in middle America. Leave the rest alone. Oh and do one more thing for me.... open up and say AHHHHHHHHH!
