I have nothing personal against longboarders except when they’re stealing my waves. Considering it happens all the time, guess you can say I have a major personal beef against longboarders. Regard my bitterness with merit: I see fat fucks riding them, which means anybody can do it, which means it requires no serious skill, which means only lazy fucks do it, which means they don’t deserve the waves they catch.

I wasn’t blessed with God-given athletic abilities. Sure I can compete with a lot of people athletically, but when it comes to out-paddling the stud with natural abilities who’s been surfing since he was six and is in the water five times a week, I have no chance. Fortunately there are a lot of days when such athletes aren’t in the water, and thus I have a fighting chance to catch waves. That is, until the longboarding kook armada shows up. When this herd of shit gets in the water, I’m watching someone who caught a wave 15 feet behind me fly by just as I’m about to pop up.

I understand when waves are tiny and longboarding’s the only way to go. Same for an old timer or nugglet who simply doesn’t have the physique to catch waves with smaller boards. However, there are a lot of days when waves are macking, and instead of riding a smaller board that is more challenging (and thus more rewarding since you can pull a lot more maneuvers) I still see these same fat fucks out in the water, stealing waves that don’t belong to them.

This is why I have very little respect for websites like The Daily Stoke who give too much credence to log-riders. They simply don’t deserve it. Which leads to the whole purpose of this diatribe. The ASP LQS, which stands for the Longboarding Qualifying Series. That’s right, longboarders have their own QS. Can you believe that shit? The ASP actually sends out press releases detailing each LQS event, with winners advancing to the highly-coveted ASP World Longboard Tour (please tell me you sense the sarcasm).

I get that there are exceptions. Some breaks are only fun riding longboards. Some surfers only have the physical talent to surf a log and not a shortboard. Some surfers are trying to get back in shape and are starting with logs. I get it. Message to the ASP though: Please don’t glorify a sport that my grandpa (RIP) could probably do. It makes no sense. Then again, what in the world does make sense these days?