Note: This story is a special contribution from Nugable. Go to his website for hilarious, insightful and honest surfing revelations.
You know the old saying—always a bridesmaid, never the bride. Surfing is not immune. The latest installment of Nugable’s Top Fucking 5® chronicles the best second-place finishers in ASP history. All five had stellar professional careers (some are still having them) but none have tasted the championship champagne or held the trophy high. A wise man once said “second place is just the first loser.”
5. Rob Machado (1995)
Ah, the Drifter. Nineteen hundred and ninety-five was Rob’s year. It was his chance to stand on the top of Everest and look down. He dominated, winning nearly half of the first seven events. He was cruising. Laughing. Having fun. Going into Hawaii he had the lead and then Slater snatched the crown from Machado. Two friends battled it out at Pipeline. It was a finish for the ages. He made a triumphant splash at the Trestles event this year. If still on the tour he would probably be a top 10 surfer.
4. Taj Burrow (2007, 1999)
Born to American parents in West Oz, Taj was Jordy Smith before Jordy was Jordy. He came on the tour with his Western Australian guns blazing. He surfed like a skateboarder. Wide stance. Ready to punt over any oncoming section. But as each year passes by his biological clock keeps ticking. He’s about three years from menopause. It may be time to start thinking about adoption.
3. Joel Parkinson (2002, 2004)
Can Parko get the proverbial money off his back? Mick Fanning is a furious little monkey. One that lifts weights and drinks protein shakes. Going into Pipeline he is the favorite despite trailing Fanning by more than 300 points. Will this finally be Parko’s year?
2. Gary “Kong” Elkerton (1993, 1990. 1987)
Gary Elkerton was an Australian man’s man. During his tenure on tour it can be argued no one charged Sunset with greater commitment and power. But his hands were that of a beauty pageant debutante. Face it. He had jazz hands. He looked like he was flipping pizza dough when he careened down the face. His hands were gayer than a cover of Men’s Health magazine. To top it off, 1993 may have been the worst top four in ASP history with Derek Ho, Kong, Dave Macauley, and Damien Hardman.
1. Cheyne Horan (1982, 1981, 1979, 1978)
I first saw Cheyne surf in person at Churches. On the military base side. I was just a grom sitting in the car park waiting for the tide to get low. Cheyne pulled up in a white BMW, parked beside me on the Camp Pendleton jarhead lot and we watched the surf together. He ate grapes. I had a Coke and a Fun Dip. I watched him do yoga. Or stretching. Not sure what to call it. He was with Michael Tomson. They may have passed a joint between them. Bob Marley’s Confrontation played on the Blaupunkt tape deck. Later we shared a few waves and exchanged a smile. Sadly, Cheyne never won that ever-elusive title. He was a gracious second-place finisher though. Perhaps the best ever.—Nug
