So one of the many advantages of being unemployed is the ability to sleep in late, not shower, forgo haircuts, wear the same clothes for a week, drink during the day, and of course watch copius amounts of television. I'm not necessarily going to admit to all of these things, but I will say I have dabbled in the "unemployment arts" over my last year of a self imposed sabatical, which has culminated in what I can only describe as a heroic world record setting attempt to watch more television than there are hours in the day. I would first of all like to thank my sponsors TiVO for allowing me to skip commercials and go str8t into the brain rotting crap that inundates my HD TV. Welcome the newest abomination to action/extreme sports The CBS ALT games.
Flipping through the channels the other day I came across the CBS College Sports Channel. Much to my surprise instead of replays of college football, basketball, or more obscure sports like soccer or Lacrosse I found that it simply said Action Sports for the title. Now let me just say that when you can combo work with sitting on your ass and watching TV that is the definition of my own personal Shangri La. So I started watching. Things started out alright...I guess. The first event I watched was a wakeboarding competition. Then suddenly EVERYTHING took a turn for the worse.
The next event was girls beach volleyball! WTF? Since when did Beach V-ball qualify as an action sport? It's been in the olympics for YEARS! Schools have beach volleyball programs (at leastt here on the West coast) and let's be honest, there's nothing Alternative or Action about it. Then it got even worse.
I won't go into the details because if I have to relive what I saw I'll curl up into the fetal position and cry myself to sleep and this story will never see the light of day. So I'll just that was followed up by flowboarding which is basically skateboarding with or without bindings in a tube throwing wave pool, and much to my chagrin, a deep fried mac n' cheese eating competition MC'd by a guy who was a cross between a meth snorting trailer dweller and a hyped up WWE wrestler with a speech impediment. Nice work ALT games, way to include guys that are the antithesis of athlete.
Now not to say there wasn't some entertainment value to the whole broadcast. The level of competition in the wakeboarding was on some levels laughable, especially when coupled with the overt sense of superiority these guys had, even though a 13 year old Dallas Friday would have owned ALL of these guys! The beach volleyball competition was, well you do the math. College chicks in what look like bikinis made from eye patches, I'm not gonna complain. The best part though was the announcer saying the keys to victory for one of the V-ball teams would be to "Control their balls"....seriously ? My only question would be to ask, whose balls?
There were some legitimate comps like slopestyle snowboarding, and skiing, but again the competition was so bad I could hardly stand to watch without blushing for the athletes.
If you wonder what the problem I have with the ALT games is, I'll tell you. It's been way too many years in the making for Action sports to get the kind of recognition that they're due. The Disney X-Games even with all their shortcomings at least showcase talent. As do the Maloof Money Cup, and on some level the Dew Action sports tour, but when you start pilfering on the Action sports genre and pump out shit like this, you de-legitimize the real athletes out there. It's the Action sports equivalent of the former XFL to the NFL.
If the ALT games wants to improve the games I have a few suggestions. First of all bail the stupid chick who hosts the show with Gold Medalist Jonny Moseley. I've got news for you guys. Tits do not a sportscaster make! Raise the level of compeition in the legitimate sports you do show, and for God's sake dump the beach volleyball and the fat asses in the eating compeition. The only way the eating competition would be considered an extreme sport is if we can see these tubs of anti-athleticism fighting for their lives in 5 years when the lard and cholesterol takes it's toll and bestows upon them their first heart attacks at the ripe old age of 28. Final suggestion, when there is no competition going on train your camera men to focus on the handful of actual hot chicks in the crowd instead of the horse faced uggos that seem to litter the event. I've seen hotter chicks at a bowling alley!
Until then let's just expand what the ALT games stand for. Another Lame Try. Final thought, dump your broadcasters. Specifically KD.